January 7, 2002
Harmony, NE
At this very moment, that definition not only
describes my surroundings, it describes me. The fact that I’m still breathing
is the only light in my life that’s left.
Everything else feels dark. Dead.
I’ve been pulling against the rope so long, I
can no longer feel my wrists. All I feel is the wetness dripping down my arm. I
don’t know if the darkness is due to the time of day or just the fact that I
cannot open my eyes since my face was used as a punching bag by the monsters
keeping me in my own private version of hell.
I lie here shivering on the cold concrete floor,
and no longer count the seconds going by. I no longer pray for a savior that I
know isn’t coming. I simply bask in the nothingness.
I never would have thought that I would long to
feel numb, but after being subjected to so much pain, my brain has short circuited
and now I feel nothing—and feeling nothing is much better than what I’ve
endured for the last two days. Wait . . . has it been two or three days? I’ve
lost concept of time. I’m just happy that the monsters have gone away and left
me in my darkness. Although I doubt it was their intent, to gift me the quiet. It
is a dark paradise I revel in.
We grow up with “stranger danger” drilled into our heads. We learn to fear the
stranger who offers candy to lure us to some unknown hideout to do despicable
things. Strangers will hurt us and
steal us away from our families. Strangers
attack ladies who go for jogs alone. Strangers
are monsters who possess the power to hurt us.
But the monster that lured me away didn’t need
candy. The lure was acceptance, love, things I thought my friend was
offering.
That’s the problem with “stranger danger:” nothing
is ever edified about fearing the monsters we know. The people who live among us, gain our trust and use it
against us, doing far worse than any stranger ever could.
I learned this lesson a little too late.
I understand God punishing me for my stupidity.
My mother always said I was too trusting. My sister Tangy used the word
innocent. I can accept my fate because maybe I deserve this for being so naïve,
and trusting whatever I’m told. But why, oh why, did she have to follow me? Now
they are teaching us both lessons we will never forget. I just pray we will get
the chance to learn from them. I pray we live through this experience so
history will never be forced to repeat itself. If I am ever able to get out of
this place, trust will only be granted to the deserving, if it’s granted at
all. If I try really hard, maybe I can focus on finding a way out of this
hell.
Warm air blows against my skin, and though I
should welcome it, I don’t. Whenever the warm air returns, so do they.
I try to mentally prepare myself for what’s next.
I know I can’t stop whatever they have planned but I can retreat to that place
in my head where I don’t feel much. If I survive this I know one thing for
certain, I will never let my guard down again. I won’t be so trusting and naïve.
I will never leave myself open for another monster to deceive me.
Surviving
Harmony
Copyright © 2015 by A.F. Diamond
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